Okay, so i haven't been blogging at late. From my previous entry of which i mentioned that life's a prick at that point in time, well, it isn't anymore and it's sorted now. But other things surface everytime one it sorted. "Way of life", people always say. Yeah, ok, i already know that. At times we feel that some part and parcel of life is unnecessary but then again, what do we know about things being necessary or not.. I have no idea what i'm rattling on right now here but i'll just type whatever comes to my mind. This year (academic year, i mean) i've gotten to know so many people. Different people, different cultures and the such. I've been involved in certain things, experienced new things, been exposed to different things and learnt certain things i never thought i'd come across. At one point everything was laid out in front of me that i was so tempted to venture into other areas out of my norm. I was so so torn between choices that were laid out in front of me. ** Was talking to someone yesterday.. some things i found out were rather, hurtful in a way, though understandable. I have my own view in certain things which i deem is alright but apparently to some it isn't. Communication was lacking and i didn't know certain stuff which caused me to have certain emotions and make certain decisions that weren't proper. I can't find a better way to word it as more suitable words seem to be slipping from my mind now. I was so confused with my own emotions, i didn't know how to respond, i didn't know what to do it's damn frustrating. Sorry. I can't always conform just to satisfy someone or just because that someone doesn't like it, can i? I thought it was okay, i thought i was sharing. But apparently certain people have different views and did not even voice it out to let me know.. hence all the stress and misunderstanding.. There are problems in certain things i do, in things i carry out. Sometimes i don't see it and when others do and do not let me know but go against it, i don't know how to react in the right way. I feel challenged, i feel my position being overthrown, i feel like someone's stepping on my head and squishing it right down to the very bottom of the ground, i feel so freaking confused and frustrated, i feel so incapable of things. Inferior.. And worse, i don't know how to go about it. I know what Christian people would say to me about this. What they would say to make me feel better and the knack. I know i know i know! But, it's always easier said than done. On Friday i felt fired up and felt like things are taking a different turn now. I never thought the way i did on that day it was odd because that was out of my character. But then the 'turn' took another swing and i am where i am now. I don't like it whenever things that i see, things that i hear.. keeps playing in my head. Or certain things that happens around me.. makes me doubt my position in life. My position in them. In anything for that matter. It's not that i want to think of it, but it just comes. If i have to answer to someone, what would i say? I don't know how to handle certain things. I don't know everything. I thought... nah, nvm, nothing. There are some that hurts more because you know you have loved more. I don't know where i stand now. So now i answer, No, I'm not okay. I don't want to go for anymore counseling whatsoever. I'm so tired. And i don't want to have to cry anymore. 
Also, i have finally come to a decision to abandon this blog. After 3 years of consideration, i finally gave in and decided. 3 years to consider to shut down a blog is a long time. It might be a hiatus, it might be a permanent thing. I very well may be making this decision now partly based on my current emotions too but right now, this is the point i'm getting across, this is the choice i've made. 
I have other reasons for deciding as such too, which i shall refrain from any mention in here. Like i said, who knows, i might be back. It does have a sentimental value. Till one day. Bye.
| 
